update and a quote

free wrote 4 pages this am already. YAY! Very little of it will ultimately be usable, but I was thinking through some useful ideas. I have been struggling with the connections between my theoretical and methodological approaches, and a lot of it comes down to one big whopping issue: I keep wanting this diss to matter. TO make real statements about the real world, and to potentially change things. And barring that, I REALLY seem to want to make value judgments about the guidebooks I am analyzing. My evidence for this is the fact that I keep making value statements, or at least thinking them. I am, for better or for worse, biased in favor of the Lonely PLanet guidebooks (and now, maybe the Moon handbooks), because they raise environmental and social issues, and my inner liberal likes that. aside, let's not tell Dad I am no longer in any way, shape or form the rabid conservative he thought he raised. I am not anti-free-market economy, but I would like it to be used for GOOD, dammit. /rant. Back to our regularly scheduled diss babble ;) . But I am not supposed to be JUDGING these guidebooks, I am supposed to be ANALYZING them. So, I am struggling to figure out exactly how to do this, and I think the writing I did this morning is a good start to doing this. I have lots of ideas, but I need to codify them. Ah well, I will get there! I am going to do a bit more free writing this morning related to another author. And this afternoon, I am GOING TO DO SOME FILING and other administrivia that I keep putting off. I fele guilty not working on the diss, but this stuff MUST. BE. DONE.

On another note, I have been wanting to post this quote since I read it a few days ago:

---

She has become a rather extraordinary rider, under the tutorship of a more than extraordinary teacher -- B.B., which is her pet name for Buffalo Bill. She pronounces it beeby. He has not only taught her seventeen ways of breaking her neck, but twenty-two ways of avoiding it. He has infused into her the best and surest protection of a horseman -- confidence. He did it gradually, systematically, little by little a step at a time, and each step made sure before the next was essayed. And so he inched her along through terrors that had been discounted by training before she reached them, and therefore were not recognizable as terrors when she got to them. Well, she is a daring little rider now, and is perfect in what she knows of horsemanship. By and by she will know the art like a West Point cadet, and will exercise it as fearlessly. She doesn't know anything about sidesaddles. Does that distress you? And she is a fine performer, without any saddle at all. Does that discomfort you? Do not let it; she is not in any danger, I give you my word.

Mark Twain, A Horse's Tale
Quoted in She Flies Without Wings: How Horses Touch a Woman's Soul

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I read that and I wish I had a teacher like that -- in many things. In riding, in diss writing, in life. But then I think: "maybe I do." The riding instructor that I want to become my mentor is exactly like this. I think my diss advisor tries to be -- and perhaps what I have presented as her failings are really reflections of my own stubbornness. The writing guide I am reading certainly seems to follow this model. And I think Mom and Dad have very much followed this type of training in my life. So, on reflection, I must say I am blessed beyond measure. I hope some day I can be a mere shadow of this kind of teacher, this kind of guide, to another.

free writing

I just free wrote another 2 pages. This is good. Great even. I am playing with ideas and finding my voice (again. It had gone away). I actually find focused free writing a REALLY useful exercise. It generates a lot of thinking and good ideas - and I have ALWAYS loved Mina Shaughnessy's conception of writing as a mess. And this week, the free writing has been good. I am playing with ideas etc.

The problem is, then you need to go through all of the free writing to organize ideas and such, and that is PAINFUL. I don't want to shut down the creative process by getting all terrified of the big picture again. But it must be done eventually, and I DO enjoy editing, once I finally have at least a preliminary guiding concept of what I am trying to do/say. In fact, I always say, in all guises, I am a better - and happier - editor than I am a writer. However, there are SOOO many iterations of this project kicking around, and although I have a tentative structure for this diss, trying to create something useful out of the morass of stuff has always been painful.

Part of my problem is taht I need to do more actual analysis of my object texts. But I am scared of wandering too widely, doing too much. Really, of WASTING MORE TIME. THis is the thing that scares me most about the whole process. I have already spent 3 years at this. THe diss writing ALONE. I hate that I have wasted so much time. It could SO EASILY have been done by now. It SHOULD have been done by now. But i fucked around, went off on tangents, read too much, procrastinated too much, lived a normal life a bit too much, and here I am. Which is ok. I do not regret the last 3 years. They have been pretty amazing -- for reasons other than the diss, but that is OK. School has been the focus of my life way too long. But now I want to get this done. THe diss is GOING to be my focus. But if I am worried about wasting time, I will waste it. . . It is a horrid closed circle. And that is icky. But I NEED to do lots more analysis. So I guess I will suck it up and do it. But my advisor keeps telling me to come up with an analytical methodology FIRST. BEFORE I do the analysis. But I keep floundering at this. I guess I should just DO some analysis, see if I find a methodology through an inductive method, rather than trying to be deductive. Which I am not really. And I guess if I keep free writing as I do the analysis, I will eventually come to where I need to be. If only I could stop worrying that I am wasting time.

And i will pull the free writing together, reread it, organize it, find the themes, save the gems of good writing which I have to trust are there. Just not today. And maybe not until I have spent a few days or weeks on analysis. The problem is, that means I won't have much concrete stuff to show my advisor. And to please her (and the department) I should be showing something! Ok, I will quit worrying now, find my process and trust it. Screw them. This is MY dissertation!!!!

web writers say the dumbest things. . .

"The Coldwater River is a fisheries habitat, Environment Canada and Mountainfest will enforce any wrong doing."

From the website for the Merrit Mountain Music Festival regarding the NO GLASS rule, intended in part to protect fisheries habitat.

Pirates of the Caribbean

I saw it. It was FANTASTIC. I may turn into a silly little Orlando Bloom fangurl yet. *SWOON* I haven't seen a character/actor that swoonworthy in a VERY VERY loooooooonnnnng time!

aside I HATED his Legolas, but since I hated all of Fellowship, that should not surprise anyone. (and SHHH! I was ALLOWED to not like it. I went in with an open mind. It slammed shut very quickly.)

And Johnny Depp was amazing. The perfect swagger (and better eye makeup than mine!). And I liked Keira (sp?) a LOT. Great character. The corset subplot alone would have made the movie worthwhile.

FUN! I like fun movies! :D I'm thinking of renting the orig Pirates soon. I remember seeing it when it was released, and liking it alot (mind you, I was a kid!). Wonder if it will hold up?

So, if you have seen it yet -- a *stern look* for elissa_carey -- hurry up and GO! See it on the big screen. It is worth it! (oh, and the MOUNTAINS of people invovled is amazing. The credits went on FOREVER!).