Introspective Diss Ramblings – Warning for Foul Language and Whining.

[pyrsandponies]

Fire stress is way reduced. More rain last night (and a 2 hour power outage! We seem to be in disaster mode here). So you will all now be subjected to my diss angst. AGAIN.



This is mostly paraphrased from an MSN conversation with electricland.

I opted NOT to take the day off today to drive my sister to Vancouver. I considered doing so, and spending the weekend with friends who I haven’t seen in way too long. But I opted not to, so I could get more work done on my diss. My advisor tells me persistence pays off. I wish I could see some pay off. I feel a lot like I am running to stand still thanks for the line, Bono.

The work is NOT going well, in short. I feel like I'm never ever gonna finish this diss. There is way too much shit I’ve written, and there is no focus. And I seem to totally lack the motivation to get there. Plus, I know that if and when I find the focus, there will still be SHITLOADS of work to do. Then I just feel like giving up. *sob*

It seems fucking pointless to waste more time on it, some days. I feel I will NEVER get done. Can't get focus. Hate working on it. So I wonder, why bother?

Then I think: well, should finish what I started. I have invested tones of time in this. And I will disappoint many people if don't finish. Including myself. And I REALLY don’t feel like explaining why I quit to everyone.

So, as I write this I realize that whining isn’t helping. Lord knows, I’ve mastered the art.

So, this introspection should be about finding an approach that will get me making progress. electricland suggests “just doing one thing” at a time. But the problem with this technique is that I keep just doing one thing. I've been doing "just one thing" for almost (well, OVER) 3 years now. I am no fucking closer to even having a cohesive chapter than I was then. I mean, I KNOW I have made some progress. The project is in many ways far more focused. And I would like to blame my advisor, committee etc for poor guidance in the early stages of this diss writing, but ultimately, it is about my own writing process. I tend to like the “research new ideas” phase A LOT, so I get tonnes of ideas. Too many, as my advisor recently suggested. Which is not a bad thing. But my prob right now is assessing HOW MUCH stuff I need for a diss. I really have no sense of what I need. I've never done this before. I know, this is the point of the project ;).

And so, I am getting all hung up in the what "SHOULD" I do to be successful (I know, I know. don't should all over myself), because what I HAVE been doing hasn't really been successful. In part because I have mastered avoidance. Which is why I am home today: I will beat the avoidance thing. Balance in life is good. Avoidance is patently NOT good..

But, as I said to thassaliayesterday, it is also because I am not doing enough analysis of the texts. which HAS to be done. It is like skipping the lab part of an experiment, or the field work of an anthropology study. THe theory I am playing with is necessary, but it is support material, not the crux of the thing. I am trying to play only in theory, and that is NOT what I do well. I LOVE analysis. Or I used to. I am good at it. And as my sis said, as she left today "You CAN do analysis" -- But I am so worried about wasting time on pointless analysis that I just waste time, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I guess the point of these introspective ramblings (which are good because at least I am writing SOMETHING, though they don’t get the diss written!), is that I need to stop worrying so much and just do analysis. Ignore much of the other stuff, and do some analysis. Worry less, do more.

Great ideas in theory! Wish me luck!



Thanks again to all of you for your marvelous support! It means tonnes to me! And who knows, you might all show up in the acknowledgements, if I ever get this thing done!