of filing systems,. . .

So, I firmly believe that messy desks can be useful. But I also find it very frustrating sometimes. I LOATHE filing, with a passion that probably goes back to my first ever real job, which was as a filing clerk for my Dad's company. I was only in for 2 hours after school, 2 days a week. And it often felt like the filing was NEVER done between times (I'm sure it was, but I was 14 and felt the world revolved around me and was out to get me). So, paper tends to stack on my desk, and on the filing cabinet next to it. And on the floor. . . And there are a stack of magazines on my kitchen table. . . And you get the drift.

But I also LOVE filing. hey, this is my journal, I am allowed to be contradictory!. I love the order, the tidyness. The way you can find things when you are looking for them. The logic of it all. I also find I tend to deal with administrative tasks much better -- and in a way timelier fashion so I procrastinate on reconciling my bank statements. Sue me! if things are filed well. In fact, if things are NOT organized, I'll often spend useful work time organizing them. It is productive procrastination, and I recognize this. But it is part of my pattern and I accept this. I go on filing binges. I am not, I am learning, a terribly balanced person in most aspects of my life. I do things all out, or not at all. I am working on this, but, well, like the filing, it is a work in progress!

This meander through my disorganized psyche has been brought to you by the fact that I just went looking for an article I wanted. The file folder for it was in the cabinet. The article was not in the folder. I found it quickly enough in the stack of "currently maybe-sort-of relevant articles" *on* the filing cabinet which doubles as a mini-credenza. But it nonetheless precipitated this ramble.

Oh, and speaking of procrastination, I should get back to work. Since the tack shop is coming this afternoon to do a saddle fitting, and I will therefore NOT be working, but rather playing. And Mom and I are going on a ride in Peachland tomorrow (we hope, it will depend how the saddle fitting goes!), so I need to finish up some work. But life is good. I think I am making progress on the diss. It is slow, but it is coming. . . .

And it is a PERFECT Indian Summer¹ day here. low to mid 20s (Celcius, that is 80s, I think, in farenheit). Sunny, a few wispy clouds. Just beautiful.

¹ The weather-caster on CBC this morning used the phrase, which I hadn't thought of in a while well, electricland used it the other day, but it didn't strike me until today and the CBC broadcaster preceded the term by saying "it is what we would call, in the old terms, a perfect Indian Summer day." It struck me, because I had never really connected the term, which was a standard one throughout my childhood, with politically correct language, but of course, it *IS* a term that can be read as loaded. Or as innocuous. Made me think. Which is, after all, why I listen to CBC, and NOT Power 104 (previously known as "The Lizard.")

Ok. back to work now.

Realization. . .

It's a good thing I am a self-confident person who trusts in the value of a balanced life, or I'd be feeling RATHER inferior right now. note, this was an initial sentiment. As I write through this post, I sort through things. I am genuinely NOT bitter or feeling inferior. Mostly just thoughtful

Turns out a colleague who started her PhD in my department the same year as I did (we did coursework etc together, I knew her, we had coffee, breakfast etc a few times over the years) just won the Gold Medal for her PhD work. She defended her thesis in August, and was awarded the award for top PhD this year at the university. I am GENUINELY happy for her. She worked DAMN hard, and she has been single parenting a daughter through the whole process. So I give her a TONNE of credit for doing such a bang up job.

But at the same time, I felt myself -- for just a moment -- go SHIT. I'm nowhere near done -- and a colleague has won a gold medal. Petty, I know, but it was there, for a moment. Then I realized that I wouldn't trade the last two years for ANYTHING. Even with all the battles with Mom and Dad, I have had some AMAZING experiences. With the sheep. With the horses. And with Mom and Dad. They are experiences I never would have had, otherwise. And if it means the diss takes longer, so be it. I have been happy, and that is what matters most. In the end, I would rather these memories, these experiences, than ANY gold medal. Plus, such things don't matter too much to me, because I don't want the academic career, and my colleague does. THis will help her get the job of her dreams. Which really is wonderful.

Me, I just want to finish the diss so that I can be in a position to sort out how my career and the horses can mesh.

Ultimately, I no longer get my identity through academic accolades. And that is an AMAZING step forward for me. I started this post thinking I was a little upset. My original subject heading was "Reasons not to check your email before bed." But now I realize that really, I am GLAD I did check. Because I can be happy for her, and I am even HAPPIER for myself. I don't need some award to tell me I am a worthwhile person. I know that already. Which is a big step for me.

I think the horses have a lot to do with it. Their feedback is honest. If I am centered, really grounded, they respond well and we have a lovely time together. If I'm not, they remind me that I should get centered and grounded. NOW. They are teaching me SOOO much. And we like to tell ourselves that we are training THEM. HA! It's such a mutual thing.

I keep posted on my computer the basics of Sally Swift, who pioneered Centered Riding. Her 4 Basics are:
*Centering
*Breathing
*Soft Eyes
*Building Blocks
Plus Grounding.

They are great guidelines for life as well as riding. And they help with writing a lot, too.

Oh, and it looks like I might be buying a new saddle. ( saddle ramblings for the horsey set )